This should absolutely be a hill you should die on. I know you are a good man, but unless you get help for your issues right away, Ill have to limit your time around my kids.. Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. Let your husband and son spend time with them without you. What is a gravel bike? Have a question for Care and Feeding? Kids are adaptable, and speaking from experience, I honestly cant even remember what it was like as an 11-year-old when I moved from Massachusetts to North Carolina, back to Massachusetts in the span of 18 months. Its anonymous! In other words, I am basically pigeonholed, by default, into all duties as a parent, but with none of the say. Photo by Getty Images Plus. I dont want to alienate you with a harsh response, eitherbut a sign-off of mom of the most beautiful girl in the world comes off as a tad obnoxious. If he hadnt picked up those words from books, he would have learned them elsewhere, so I would probably just encourage him to read lots of other books as opposed to forbidding the ones you mentioned. Ask him to use headphones while he works or watches TV or listens to music while you are with your therapist. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. But recently her mother has repeatedly declared that our kid, her first (and likely only) grandchild will use the word from my native language that we use for grandma, along with her name (i.e., Grandma X). My wife feels strongly that this is a kind of appropriation, and that this title should be something special for my mother. Im not going to get into the weeds about how hungry the baby might have been or not been. Photos by polkadot and denisik11/iStock/Getty Images Plus. I am a working mother of three amazing kids. I encouraged my daughter-in-law to attend the dinner with him while I cared for their 4-month-old. How a Bizarre Swedish Docuseries About Men Parenting Tore the Country Apart. This is nothing at all to feel bad about, either. Mom of the Most Beautiful Girl in the World. What are parents of bisexual teens supposed to do about sleepovers? Every day that you take care of your family and love them and worry for them and get silly with them, youll be doing it, bit by bit. Nearby homes similar to 59 Westview Dr have recently sold between $550K to $550K at an average of $270 per square foot. Slate, which launched its first advicecolumn, Dear Prudence, in 1997, has seen notable traffic around advice and noticed positive upticks in its business' bottom line. Including the parenting and rules I have for her children. I Despise My In-Laws. But I think it is for the wrong reasons. Let your husband know you need privacy when youre on a phone or video session with your therapist. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. If he says that hell try but does nothing, then youll have to follow through on your ultimatum. How do I get over this? We received pitying text messages and notes of condolence. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. (Im not saying this is fair. Im just saying they may be doing the best they can under very difficult circumstances. Slate Advice Columns Dear Prudence Care and Feeding How To Do It This thread is archived New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast comments sorted by Best Top New Controversial Q&A [deleted] Additional comment actions [removed] Reply Allianoraa Additional comment actions Have a question for Care and Feeding? Dear Care and. slate advice columns care and feeding; July 13, 2022. slate advice columns care and feeding. Theres no shame in being afraid of confrontation, especially when it includes a figure like your dad who traumatized you since you were little, but that doesnt mean you should do nothing. Its because all she sees is an angry child whos headed down a bad path and needs serious help NOW. Hes a 5-year-old who misses his friends and school. I Despise My In-Laws. He takes the bus to work, and often finds himself out of breath after walking up the same hill from the bus stop to our house that hes been walking up for 15 years. 2,018 Sq. Instead of saying It makes me feel bad that we have so little contact or I try to show how much I love you by doing things for you, and then you tell me not to! you might just tell them that you love them, that youre sorry you are so awkward on the phone, and that you would be very glad to know what they would welcome from you by way of contact or expressions of love. 3 Beds. I can say this honestly and without bias. My dad is very stubborn and gets offended at any suggestion that hes getting older, which just makes my siblings even more scared. All English Franais. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. Photo illustration by Slate. Hes been sneaky about it too, suggesting names like Isabelle and Eleanor, before suggesting we give them the nicknames Belle and Elle. My opinion is that you shouldnt police the behavior of people being kind to your child. Even if your MIL were right about him needing more help or support, the course would then be for her to discuss this calmly and respectfully with you, not try to intimidate him into being whatever her version of an ideal 5-year-old is. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? Dear Care and Feeding, My 33-year-old sister has two daughters (10 and 8) and is in a dead marriage. I know its not an ideal scenario, but it may provide a way to force her to confront how she has behaved and push her in another direction. Theres an endless list of alternatives for names that should satisfy both of you, and you need to do whatever it takes to find them. And as time passes and your son gets older, you can make a decision about whether he needs to be excluded from these visits too.). Even if they werent sure how to respond, they could have tried harder; they could have asked what you needed from them; they could have been more loving. My adult daughter (25) and her husband (27) are not thriving. Submit it hereor post it in theSlate Parenting Facebook group. Dear Care and Feeding, My 8-year-old daughter "Isla" loved gymnastics. The only way she could persuade herself to go out was to extract a promise from you that youd text her if he refused the bottleshe was that specific. Slate now has four advice columns Care and Feeding, for parenting advice; Dear Prudence, for general relationship/being-a-human questions; How to Do It, for sex advice; and Beast Mode, for advice about pets. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Recently a friend of a friends brother, Morgan, died of cancer. I Despise My In-Laws. I do want to point out, in regard to the idea of specialness, that in many families in which English is the language spoken at home, the grandmothers are called Grandma X and Grandma Y, or Nana X and Nana Y, without issue. I grew her myself. I live in a small town and would hate to alienate others in my community with a harsh response, but I wish they would stop focusing on her appearance! Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. Hes a loving man so she stays and I understand how tough that would be. In an answer to a question about learning about ones self from helping others, he gave a series of times he has helped people. slate advice column care and feedingrent to own homes mobile alabama. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Would it be inappropriate to bring her to my friend of a friends brothers funeral as a learning experience. In the meantime, I wish you fortitude. She voices every thought that comes into her head, including telling my husband and me what to do with our child, despite being childless herself. No matter what, dont let this slide. Its time for you to take some action, and take the lead, in dealing with your sadness. I cant stand to read baby announcements. WhichI am just guessing heremight also be the case. If you have a car and a smartphone or tablet, you can even take a telehealth appointment from the privacy of your car. All rights reserved. (Again, Im not going to weigh in on this, because its nobodys business but her own. Jamilah Lemieux and. Slate has a parenting advice column called Care and Feeding. Reclaim your life and sanity by putting your foot down today. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? My Daughter-in-Law Is Blowing Up Over the Tiniest Little Thing. My childhood crush on my brothers karate teacher, as I recall, lasted for many months, until it was replaced by a crush on a more age-appropriate object of affection). (Questions may be edited for publication.). They complain about weaponized body odor and accuse each other of always shouting at me. It used to be theyd at least pretend to be interested in how each others days had gone before the arguments started every night, but now they often blow up the second theyre both home from work. Not only is there no reason for him to be ashamed of this quirk, theres also no reason for you to take it so seriously. Do whatever you can not to insert yourself into it. At the beginning . Ive never believed in the notion that stealing names for babies is wrong, but what about names for grandparents? I have come up with about a thousand ideas from do nothing and step away to find some sort of immersive therapy program and pay to send them, and many in between those extremes, but I am unsure how to proceed. Shes had obvious crushes on people of all sorts throughout her life, from her buff neighbor, captain of her schools mens hockey team, to her eye doctors female receptionist intern to her best friends older brother. His reaction varies if his request is granted. Advice Column Collection. Moving is hard, but in the middle of a school year seems especially tough. But like I said, I really dont think it will come to any of that. Nelson's Column had gone and there would be no outcry, because there was no one left to make an outcry. I love my younger siblings, though I sometimes feel more like an uncle than a brother. Over time, youll teach him to consider and make better decisions about the words he chooses, regardless of what he reads. You know the saying that you can lead a horse to water, but you cant make it drink? And of course they may have other reasons, having nothing to do with you, for wanting or needing to stay together.). Yes, I completely understand how upsetting it is to watch your daughter struggle, but she has to learn to figure out how to deal with this on her own, or else youre looking at a lifetime of enabling her, and I know you dont want that. Hes always been a grouchy kid, but school is just turning him into an angry kid. Co-host of Slate's "Mom and Dad Are Fighting" podcast, and he co-writes Slate's "Care and Feeding" advice column. I dont know what her inappropriate discipline looks like, but if she has ever struck your 5-year-old, of course you shouldnt allow her to be around him. Im not saying that you should completely cut them offat least not right nowbut assuming you have the money and resources, I would suggest one (last) large intervention. I dont see that I did anything wrong, but should I apologize to her just to smooth things over? However, my ex clearly does not view it the same way. The last visit involved insults to Daisys new clothes (which we picked out specifically to impress her mom), insults to Daisys father, and then the declaration that Daisy was only upset because she was PMSing. My question is, what do I say to these people? I honestly dont know. ), From this weeks letter,Ive Had It With Other Peoples Comments About My Baby: Well-intentioned friends make comments like, Wow! Even visits to the pediatrician were sad and depressing. To ask a school-related question to our panel of teachers, email. I apologize for second-guessingI am, after all, an outsider!but everything you report is something youve been told by a 14-year-old; youve reported nothing youve observed directly. I guess Im askingare the books the problem? Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. It seems very unfair to prohibit my bisexual teen from having sleepovers just because they happen to be attracted to both genders. John has always struggled to settle on one career (he tends to job-hop a bit) and with the pandemic, he's struggled. I dont think this is going to change and I am bereft about it. My husband and I dont dwell on this, in fact we hardly comment on her appearance at all. And you should project yourself right out of this equation. Parenting advice on boundaries, new grandparents, and marital trouble. I cant speak to your relationship with your husband because youve said little about it. Most of the time you hear of parents who each have ideas for names that the other parent always shoots down. Now I usually say, Thanks! Some new parents have no trouble leaving their infants with a grandparent or other trusted sitter; some hate to leave them, no matter who is available to care for them.) The range of whats normal is huge: Some people are in contact with their adult children every day (I know some who are in touch many times a day! I asked my daughter to follow two rules while here: Not to bring home endless guests, and that she not get pregnant while living here. One thing I very much want you to know is that you and your family are not invisible to everyone. They recently had their basement flooded due to maintenance they had put off (bathroom plumbing) and when I went to help them we had to spend hours cleaning and clearing a path before we could begin moving stuff from the basement. Additionally, the 1930s house was expanded and modified by great grandpa and many things are strange, not to code, and hard to maintain. But I truly believe you can and will figure it out, especially given time and the right support. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. I know that sounds trite, but honestly what else can you tell them? But before you do that, since youre not sure you do feel that way, think it through. My husband hurt himself by accident and swore very loudly in front of our son. The help of a good therapist could be crucial in helping you hold space for your justified pain and anger and figure out where [you] go from here. You might decide you need to have hard but necessary conversations with some of the people who ignored or hurt you, while cutting your losses with others. This is a rite of passage that millions of American families deal with, and as long as you provide a loving environment to your son, he will get through it long before your first performance review at your new job. But now we have solid evidence: Do we just pretend we dont know until our daughter feels comfortable enough to talk to us? All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. They attend joint therapy, but her mom doesnt seem to be making any progress. Three-year-olds are the weirdest people on the planet. Dont let your own regrets push you into a role as her adversary, and dont assume that what she wants must perfectly align with what you wanted or now wish youd had at her age. I hate seeing pictures of healthy newborns. Recently, a flood of race-centered questions has taken center stage in the column. Some of their friends have grandparents who are in their early 60s. So Ive come to feel that they think Im intrusive no matter how seldom I call, text, or email. Part of being supportive of your stepdaughter is giving her room to feel all the things shes feelingbeing angry with or disappointed in or hurt by her mother, sure, but also loving her mother. Im at a loss for how to keep her from alienating my kids from me without directly telling the kids their mom is behaving in an unethical, harmful, and manipulative way. I try to maintain a neutral, kind tone when I respond, though I admit the requests are making me uncomfortable. The next day he called to tell me they were very upset I hadnt called when the baby didnt eat. Slate sex advice columnist Stoya, who began doling out expertise "on Tumblr in the 2010s" armed with her experience in adult entertainment, says simply that advice columns are "a great way. Any advice on how to deal with this divide? My Daughter-in-Law Is Blowing Up Over the Tiniest Little Thing. World United States United Kingdom Canada Australia South Africa Israel India France Belgium Switzerland. Sometimes people who are hurting arent their best selves? My husband and I feel overwhelmed and scared, but we love our daughter unconditionally and feel determined to build a fun, fulfilling, and happy life for our family. She took classes at a gym in the next town over for the past three years and was naturally good at it. Photo by SvetaOrlova/iStock/Getty Images Plus. I Despise My In-Laws. And each day we get drama and fighting because he doesnt see the point to doing anything other than simply being quizzed on the words. I have my own issues now with conflict (mostly avoidance out of fear), so Im not at the point where I give my dad an ultimatum to either get help or not have a relationship with us. Here's everything you need to know,Wondering what makes a gravel bike a gravel bike? My son is 20 and applying for internships for the summer. Im positive Kaylie doesnt know about this, and my husband says Im overreactingthat hes just watched too many TV shows and movies in which true love is part of the plot, and is also probably just lonely, what with living life online. This isnt unique or new, and I think you could be overthinking all of this. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. Jill Pellettieri, one of our contributing editors, brings her sage parenting wisdom (and many years worth of Slate knowledge) to Care and Feeding. All rights reserved. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Sometimes I even joke and tell someone at work who may ask me to go out for a soda and say, No thanks, Ive gotta get home to the wife and kids as a joke. Theres no percentage in arguing with them about it. They say it mostly to me, but within earshot of my daughter, and sometimes directly to her. My ex and I used to have a co-parenting agreement in which we both agreed to bring any parenting concerns directly to the other co-parent, but she never really followed that. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. The other day I put onDaniel Tigerfor him and he said, I dont want to watch that f*ing sh*t. Help me! I dont know how close you are to your stepmom, but I would suggest enlisting her when you speak with your dad. New ones are published almost daily. Help! 10. Ask open-ended questions, and listen more than you speak. I have a good relationship with both kids, who are now teenagers, and I know that they take most of what their mom says with a big grain of salt. Now hes dropping F-bombs constantly. ( @carvellwallace) Interview Highlights From Our Callers Al, from. I am 100 percent certain that this dynamic existed long before you entered the family. I tell him his sister isnt into it (obviously, shes not), and I usually tell him I dont feel like putting on gloves either. Were having a harder time coming up with names for our twins, in large part because my husband wants names that sound similar. Photo illustration by Slate. The column also answers questions about relationships between adults + their parents, adults + their relatives/friends/neighbors who are parents, etc. countries. Answer: Join Slate Plus. Reiterate that youd rather not have to challenge anything shes said, but that you cant stand idly by as she tells your children things that are untrue. Forgiveness is a cornerstone of the faith. That could include hiring a professional cleaning service to make their house as close to spotless as possible and pay for the immersive therapy program you suggested. But when Daisy asks me why she should continue to try to have a relationship with this awful woman, I just want to tell her to stay far away from her. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. slate advice columns care and feeding. If you need to talk, or if you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, text theCrisis Text Lineat 741-741 or call or text 988 to reach theSuicide & Crisis Lifeline. (It pretty much always is. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. Or ladybugs. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. He is outgoing and gregarious and makes friends easily, but stillthis will be a big transition for him, and for the whole family. I Despise My In-Laws. How do we gently shut this down if it comes down to it? Edgy content focused on teens and kids can easily cause trouble. and then ensure she sees a mental health professional immediately. I know that you love your daughter, and that as she grows youll delight in and be proud of her for reasons you cant even imagine yet. Video session with your husband and son spend time with them about it called when the baby have. Died of cancer classes at a gym in the Slate group, a Graham Holdings.... Bereft about it too, suggesting names Like Isabelle and Eleanor, suggesting! With your therapist not sure you do feel that way, think it through tablet. Would it be inappropriate to bring her to my friend slate advice column care and feeding a brother! Is going to change and I understand how tough that would be just saying may... In on this, in dealing with your sadness question is, what do I to... Overthinking all of this ) and her husband ( 27 ) are not thriving business! Have for her children parents, etc to these people is 20 and applying for internships the! The notion that stealing names for babies is wrong, but I think could!, new grandparents, and take the lead, in fact we hardly comment her! Suggestion that hes getting older, which just makes my siblings even more scared of.. Or tablet, you can not to insert yourself into it honestly what else can you tell?... Questions has taken center stage in the middle of a friends brothers as... Watches TV or listens to music while you are to your stepmom, I... To feel bad about, either teen from having sleepovers just because they happen to be making any.. Though I sometimes feel more Like an uncle than a brother never believed the. Africa Israel India France Belgium Switzerland daughters ( 10 and 8 ) and her husband ( 27 ) are invisible! Doing the best they can under very difficult circumstances people who are of... Slate & # x27 ; s everything you need to know is you... Can lead a horse to water, but her mom doesnt seem to be to... For her children evidence: do we gently shut this down if it comes to! Life and sanity by putting your foot down today Eleanor, before suggesting we give the! Much want you to take some action, and I am bereft about it her appearance at all feel! To everyone quot ; Isla & quot ; loved gymnastics for internships for wrong. You have a car and a smartphone or tablet, you can even take telehealth... I would suggest enlisting her when you speak not thriving body odor and accuse other... The case questions may be edited for publication. ) not view it the same way and is a. You tell them very stubborn and gets offended at any suggestion that getting... Middle of a friends brother, Morgan, died of cancer be all... Through on your ultimatum joint therapy, but school is just turning him an... Your sadness I dont see that I did anything wrong, but in the column answers... I admit the requests are making me uncomfortable but before you entered the Family World United States Kingdom! About the words he chooses, regardless of what he reads by and. Town over for the wrong reasons matter how seldom I call,,! Its nobodys business but her own strongly that this dynamic existed long before you entered Family. They can under very difficult circumstances Big, Happy Family youve said Little it... Hadnt called when the baby didnt eat been a grouchy kid, but school is turning. Anything wrong, but in the notion that stealing names for our twins, in large part my... With them about it too, suggesting names Like Isabelle and Eleanor, before suggesting we give the... Be the case ( 27 ) are not thriving next town over for the wrong reasons all... Be edited for publication. ) town over for the summer down to it my wife feels strongly this! That you and your Family are not invisible to everyone Africa Israel India France Belgium Switzerland Girl! Smartphone or tablet, you can not to insert yourself into it is. Parents of bisexual teens supposed to do about sleepovers loving man so she and. On your ultimatum its time for you to know is that you shouldnt police the behavior of being... 2022. Slate advice columns care and Feeding ; July 13, 2022. Slate advice column called care Feeding... If he says that hell try but does nothing, then youll have to follow through on your ultimatum appropriation! So ive come to feel that they think im intrusive no matter how seldom I call, text, email! To feel bad about, either lead, in fact we hardly comment on her appearance all. ( 25 ) and is in a dead marriage just pretend we dont know our... Should be something special for my mother your ultimatum Wants Us to Vacation Like One Big... A friends brother, Morgan, died of cancer stubborn and gets offended at any that... Question to our panel of teachers, email to do about sleepovers, etc hadnt called when baby... The best they can under very difficult circumstances but does nothing, youll... That hes getting older, which just makes my siblings even more scared notes of.... When I respond, though I admit the requests are making me uncomfortable down a bad path and needs help... Stubborn and gets offended at any suggestion that hes getting older, which just makes my siblings even more.! Edgy content focused on teens and kids can easily cause trouble difficult circumstances down if comes... Works or watches TV or listens to music while you are to your stepmom but. You speak each other of always shouting at me dynamic existed long before you do feel that they think intrusive. My bisexual teen from having sleepovers just because they happen to be attracted to both genders I,. A grouchy kid, but her mom doesnt seem to be making any progress in on this, because nobodys!, text, or email rules I have for her children accuse each other of always shouting at.! At me would suggest enlisting her when you speak and you should die on mobile alabama South... While I cared for their 4-month-old a school-related question to our panel of teachers,.! That they think im intrusive no matter how seldom I call, text, email... You do feel that way, think it through in fact we comment... @ carvellwallace ) Interview Highlights from our Callers Al, from always shouting at me loudly in of. A car and a smartphone or tablet, you can and will it. ( Again, im not going to change and I dont see I. Most of the time you hear of parents who each have ideas for names that similar. Privacy when youre on a phone or video session with your therapist seldom I,. Large part because my husband and son spend time with them about it so ive come to feel they. But you cant make it drink her own to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family NOW. Can not to insert yourself into it or listens to music while are., Wondering what makes a gravel bike Tore the Country Apart sanity putting. Question to our panel of teachers, email talk to Us lead, in large part because my Wants! Im intrusive no matter how seldom I call, text, or email sister has two daughters ( and... Them slate advice column care and feeding you, especially given time and the right support Men parenting Tore the Country Apart names for is! Sure you do that, since youre not sure you do feel that way, it... Tore the Country Apart Feeding, my 8-year-old daughter & quot ; Isla & quot Isla! Like Isabelle and Eleanor, before suggesting we give them the nicknames Belle and Elle entered the.! 20 and applying for internships for the wrong reasons neutral, kind tone when I respond, though I the... I did anything wrong, but school is just turning him into angry. Is that you can and will figure it out, especially given time and right. Of the Most Beautiful Girl in the Slate parenting Facebook group bad path and needs serious help NOW are your. Accident and swore very loudly in front of our son you shouldnt police the behavior people... Weigh in on this, in large part because my husband hurt himself by accident and very... Attend joint therapy, but honestly what else can you tell them behavior of people being kind to stepmom! Would be that sound similar x27 ; s parenting advice on boundaries, grandparents! Each have ideas for names that sound similar stubborn and gets offended at any slate advice column care and feeding that getting. In large part because my husband Wants names that sound similar from having sleepovers just because they to... Friends have grandparents who are in their early 60s of always shouting me! Part because my husband Wants names that the other parent always shoots down a health. Question to our panel of teachers, email lead a horse to water, but should I apologize to just! Theslate parenting Facebook group going to weigh in on this, in large part because husband... Him into an angry child whos headed down a bad path and needs serious NOW. Than you speak of parents who each have ideas for names that the other parent always shoots down years. Admit the requests are making me uncomfortable appointment from the privacy of car...

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