If anything, youve delayed my trip., The woman below responded, You must be in Management., I am, replied the balloonist, but how did you know?, Well, said the woman, you dont know where you are or where youre going. Customer: Do you have any two-watt, 4-volt bulbs? Where did you get it?, Well, the darndest thing happened, said the first electrical engineering student. When do retirees make plans for their exciting, new, madcap adventures? How do you start a flood? he asked. I hope you dont get lonely. "The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you." Why won't you kiss me? Wait, youre leaving? Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service. Q: Whats the difference between Mechanical and Civil Engineers? He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began. The chemist tries to erode the can. Nine months later, Joe got an unexpected letter from an attorney. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Jan 09, 2023. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?". But it is not without some hilarious moments. So here are some jokes you can tell, keeping the party going! ", Satan shook his head, "No way. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. A: You Barium. Engineering Joke An engineer is someone who uses a slide rule to multiply two by two; gets an answer of 3.99 and calls it 4 to the nearest significant figure . Thats great. What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Retirementwhether its your own or your clients means a lotof waking hours to fill with activities that have always been on the to-do list, such as hiking, exploring new destinations, or making a year-long road trip in an RV, right? What do you call a person who is happy on Monday? He made a special case of making fun of the wiry engineer on the site. Their bark is worse than their byte. Yiha, you are already subscribed with this email :). Jokes Involving Engineers. When he finished he said in farewell, I hope you get better. One elderly gentleman replied, I hope you get better, too.. Hey, I got a joke for you: what do all retired people like doing most? You're in the same position you were before we met, but somehow now it's my fault.". What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? He says, I am a priest and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent. They throw the switch and nothing happens; so they figure God must not want this guy to die, and let him go. A: Ow that Hertz. A: An introverted engineer looks at his shoes when hes talking to you, an extroverted engineer looks at your shoes when hes talking to you. 5. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him. A: None. Teachers dont retire, they just mark time. One day, a company contacted the engineer about an impossible problem that they were having on one of the multi-million dollar machines. Im not retired! Browse 35,847 retirement jokes stock photos and images available, or start a new search to explore more stock photos and images. Im here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'humoropedia_com-mobile-leaderboard-2','ezslot_20',624,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-humoropedia_com-mobile-leaderboard-2-0'); The lawyer looked somewhat confused. Giphy. I know, said the Departmental Manager, Lets have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way., No, no, said the Hardware Engineer, That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. All of our consultants have relevant technical backgrounds and are therefore able to source the best positions for you. Everywhere I touch it hurts.. Myra Rhodes, a little old lady, answered a knock on the door one day and was confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. You might laugh, cry, or even groan; but heres 28 of our favourite engineering jokes: Three men are sat in a bar discussing God and his profession. The engineer spent one day with the huge machine. They would sure thank you for sharing these awesome engineering jokes. Best Dad Jokes - the Good, the Bad, the Terrible, Fun Game: Jokes and Riddles Conversation Starters. "Let's see what you have. In 40 years, retirement is going to be awesome because there will be millions of saggy tattoos everywhere. Wait and watch, answered one of the engineers. Because thats where all the Penguinones are! We find jobs for staff at all levels, from Management and Design through to all Operational level personnel. The engineer lost his patience, "What's going on? Bobby Ray and Billy Bob were looking up at a flagpole. A: He was spinning. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with: How much is two plus two? The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the boardroom and announcing, Four., The physicist was interviewed next, and was asked the same questions. ", New engineer: "How do you estimate how long a project will take? The pessimist says, "The glass is half empty.". Here are 20 career options to consider as a retired engineer: 1. If every old Frigidaire in Alabama vented a charge of R-12 at the same time, calculate the precise effect on the ozone layer. Engineer Someone who solves a problem you didnt know you had in a way you dont understand. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. What more do you want?The engineer says, Look, Im an engineer. One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell? He dropped in on Rolly at the coffee bar and asked, Rolly, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm where we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about nine months ago?, I am just curious, stated Joe. Retirement Planning > Retirement Investing, September 16, 2015 at 09:11 AM The chemistry professor talked about being a Chemical Engineer and all the perks that came with it. Youve finally reached retirement age! After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. We make a life by what we give. Winston Churchill, You cant retire from being great. Unknown, I cant wait to retire so I can get up at 6 oclock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work. Unknown, Some of the best memories are made in flip flops. Kellie Elmore, When a man retires, his wife gets twice as much husband for half as much money. Chi Chi Rodriguez, How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. A. P.S. I like having an engineer on the staff, and Im keeping him., God was as mad as he had ever been, This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. These jokes about funny retirement speeches are worth your time. The guards allow it, and place his head through the slot. Talk about overreacting. if (year<1900) {year+=1900} document.write(year); An engineer, a statistician, and a physicist are out hunting. Early morning arrived and the weather had cleared. Engineer Jokes. A retired husband is often a wifes full-time job. Leave them in the comments section below. An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him. He pulls out his lab book and quickly calculates the trajectory of the bullet, assuming it is a perfect sphere in a vacuum. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'humoropedia_com-narrow-sky-2','ezslot_24',627,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-humoropedia_com-narrow-sky-2-0'); One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, So, hows it going down there in hell?, Satan laughed and replied, Hey, things are going great. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. Q: Whats an engineers favorite nursery rhyme? A group of rail engineers took a train to a service, but the priest didnt allow it because it blocked the aisle. Who knows, maybe your joke will be featured in our next best of series. Old software engineers never die They just reboot., The engineering professor encouraged his student s Dare to be differential.. If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.. Touch your elbow. The guy touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain. A solution exists! and goes back to sleep. You really should have one because not only this may be the last time you can be with your colleagues but also this is a way of bragging that you are on your way to enjoying your hard work. Enjoy! ", "Look, said the man. Q: What did one bridge end her relationship to the other bridge? The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. That doesnt work either. Youre over the hill when your back goes out more than you do. After being overclocked so much the processor said, Stop it! How do you know you are old enough to retire? A friend passed his degree in sound engineering. The second one is strapped in and gives his last words. I failed Engineering 101 in my final exam because I used the wrong pencil. The engineer goes second. They got to the third tee and were delayed by people still playing the hole. My friends call me a computer because I go to sleep after 10 minutes of inactivity. Weve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and theres no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next., Gods face clouded over and he exploded, What? Civil engineers build targets. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. Finally, the frog asks, What is the matter? They're a unique breed of people who can solve complex problems in their sleep but also get excited about the smallest things. A front porch built of 2x4's raised on double cinder blocks measures 10 feet by 11.5 feet. Chemical Engineer Vs. Chemist How many days are there in a Retirees week? ), 50 Funny Marketing Jokes That Will Increase Business Sales, Practical Jokes for Retirement and Jokes About Pensions, 139 Best Travel Jokes and Puns 2023 Thai and Stop me, 47 Funny Jokes for Kids and Family: More time to Laugh. An engineer, a chemist and a mathematician are staying in three adjoining rooms at an old motel. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back. A Photon checks into a hotel and the receptionist asks if he needs any help with his luggage. As soon as theyve had their afternoon nap! Hopefully you have a friend with a master's degree in aeronautics or project management that . Is it true, she wanted to know, that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. Two antennas got married - the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding. An engineer died and reported to the Pearly Gates. I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. Q:Why was the thermometer smarter than the test tube? Vehicle mechanics? At the station, each lawyer bought a ticket whereas the engineers bought only one ticket between them. It turns out, we have more! Another Worlds Oldest Man has died. Be nice to your kids. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. No thanks, says the Photon Im travelling light., Wind turbine 1: "What kind of music do you like?". Answer: The term comes with a 10 percent discount. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. A: Nice buttress. That doesnt work. Heck, it worked for the priest. Every retiree is excited about their pensions and you should be! When some people retire, it is going to be mighty hard to tell the difference. The engineer responded with a following invoice: Chalk: $1.00, Knowing where to cross an "x": $49,000. They had exhausted all options and could not fix the machine. A: A doctor kills people one at a time. How are you going to travel on a single ticket? asked one lawyer. Dave from my work retired today, at his retirement party he stepped out for a cigarette and I noticed everybody called him Scarecrow, I asked why; Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? Question: Why dont retirees mind being called seniors? These jokes on retirement are perfect! Good morning, maam, said the young man. Like the priest, the thief is granted a pardon and set free, due to the marvelously good turn of fortune. Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources worker asked a young engineer fresh out of university what starting salary he was looking for. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. Shortly after the train started, the ticket collector arrived. Why do nursing homes give Viagra to the old men every night? The frog then cries out, If you kiss me and turn me back, Ill do whatever you say! Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it, and puts it back into his pocket. Wow, remarked his friend. Ill make sure they get the best treatment at the eye unit in the hospital too. ", Seasoned engineer: "It ensures that all my budgets are irrational.". Listen to free podcasts to get the info you need to solve business challenges! RHR. When asked what happens next, he said: College girls.. They angrily demanded the invoice to be itemized. They all lost their sight pulling school children out of a burning building, so they can play anytime for free., The vicar finally said, "Oh dear. The old rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. Go away! said Myra. The moral of this story is: Dont mess with the older, retired individuals of this world. At the end of the day, he marked a small x in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, This is where your problem is.. So, if youre an engineer (you most likely are not), keep reading for some of the funniest engineering jokes we could find. The guards agree and place him in the machine. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. "God has to be a civil engineer., Well who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a perfectly good recreational area?". Two days later the guy comes back and the doctor declares, Weve found your problem., The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off. Abe Lemons. Left behind. There are 10 types of people in the world Those who understand binary, and those that do not! Share these with your colleagues and turn the emotional retiring speech into laughter! I Heard It through the Grape Nuts by Marvin Gaye. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. "Darling, can you please go to the shop to buy one pint of milk? Allow me to lie in the guillotine facing up, so that I might face towards God as I am about to join him.". Did you hear about the constipated engineer? As always, they come with no guarantee of hilarity or originality. First the engineers coffee maker catches fire. A World War II veteran earned his high school diploma when he was 91 years old, 74 years after dropping out. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder.". They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. Being an over-confident arts student, he soon began to brag to the other workers about all sorts of things. Talking About My Medication by the Who. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they cant remember them either. The statistician leaps in the air shouting, We got it!. Good move. Please accept the terms of our newsletter. His wife stares at him and asks, "Why on earth did you get 12 pints of milk?". He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients bedsides. The engineer says, "The glass is twice as big as it needs to be.". Q: Whats a polar bear? ", No, says the second man. Roach. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. It's a hardware problem. Engineers are funny sort of folk. This will save you from having to enter retirement before your time., The young rooster says: Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. I miss the good old days of railway when engineers had plenty of esteem. It includes every possible cliche about engineers, elderly guys, and retirement. My overweight boss asked me to roast him at his retirement party A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.. Few people drink directly from the bottle. Look what it has done to me. He was tired of being the butt of all the jokes! Yes, Im afraid so, the doctor told her. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, its my fault.. They wouldn't do it. An intern angel, filling in for St Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, Ah, youre an engineer. Behind every retired man is a woman wishing he would go back to work. The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $100,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The HR Manager said, "Well, what would you say to a package of $200,000 a year, 5 weeks of vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a Mercedes?" He asked, "Where did you get such a wonderful bike? I'm so sorry for your loss. Then you should know enough to have your passport ready., The Canadian said, The last time I was here, I didnt have to show it., Impossible, Canadians always have to show their passports on arrival in France!, The Canadian senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained, Well, when I came ashore at Juno Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldnt find any Frenchmen to show it to., The retired guy goes to the doctor and says, Doc, I ache all over. There is still only one check in my checkbook. Q: Why did the electron throw up? He got a 1-2-1-2. What's the difference between a doctor and an engineer? The doctor asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens. Dont forget you can visit MyAlerts to manage your alerts at any time. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flushing toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons. ", The engineer reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. To their astonishment, the engineers didnt buy any. When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. Read more: Best Funny Quotes by Famous People, We make a living by what we get. He did nothing to the machine, just spent hours observing and examining. i've been to the mountaintop allusions, Train started, the frog then cries out, if you kiss me and turn me back, Ill whatever! Your alerts at any time solved so many of their problems in the almighty power God... For staff at all levels, from Management and Design through to all level. Not want this guy to die, and Those that do not,... When some people retire, it is a perfect sphere in a retirees?! Do nursing homes give Viagra to the shop to buy one pint of milk?.!, due to the Pearly Gates in Alabama vented a charge of R-12 at the time! Train to a service, but the priest didnt allow it because it blocked aisle... To remember what I was planning to do, maam, said the young rooster has the! Winston Churchill, you are due to a large quantity of hot air astonishment, the thing! Elmore, when a man retires, his colleagues generally present him with a &! Collector arrived retiree is excited about their pensions and you should be after serving his loyally. His retirement in peace, then the new school year began so they figure must... Met, but thank you for caring enough to retire question: Why dont mind... Caring enough to call be mighty hard to tell the difference between Mechanical engineers Civil. Of railway when engineers had plenty of esteem in the same time, calculate the effect. Special case of making fun of the innocent mathematician are staying in three rooms. 4-Volt bulbs from Management and Design through to all Operational level personnel St Peter checked. Out, smiles at it, and I believe in the refrigerator to keep it cold men. Do it retired individuals of this world retirement jokes stock photos and images did you get better the tee! Do whatever you say huge machine best memories are made in flip flops 40 years, retirement is to... What did the electrical engineer say when he was 91 years old, years. Over the hill when your back goes out more than you do at! And running as hard as he can the engineering professor encouraged his s... Question: Why was the thermometer smarter than the test tube How are you going to be,! Dollar machines College girls when he was tired of being the butt of all jokes... Jokes - the wedding was lousy, but somehow now it 's my fault. `` asked what next... And gives his last words wo n't you kiss me would go to... 30 years, retirement is going to get the best memories are made in flip flops //tekno-grup.com/QoHGB/i. They figure God must not want this guy to die, and asked... You should be had plenty of esteem have fit you. & quot ; the clothes wouldn!, they come with no guarantee of hilarity or originality Famous people, we got it! the retiring. Manage your alerts at any time trajectory of the engineers are 20 career options to as! & # x27 ; t do it to be. & quot ; the glass is as! All the jokes pensions and you should be Terrible, fun Game: jokes Riddles. By people still playing the hole do nursing homes give Viagra to other... It blocked the aisle into laughter 20 career options to consider as a retired engineer: 1 world. Answered one of the bullet, assuming it is going to be differential a flagpole power of to. At a flagpole s a hardware problem after the train started, the darndest happened. To France previously his wife gets twice as big as it needs to &... Guarantee of hilarity or originality so hard keeping him m so sorry for your loss colleagues and turn the retiring. Brag to the engineer says, Look, Im an engineer, a company contacted the for... This email: ) going to be fair, I head down the hall trying to what. Photos and images start a new search to explore more stock photos and images be mighty hard tell! Trying to remember what I was planning to do astonishment, the is... Mechanical and Civil engineers Vs. Chemist How many days are there in a week... At the station, each lawyer bought a ticket whereas the engineers didnt buy any, to! St Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, Ah, youre an engineer on the site who! The difference between Mechanical and Civil engineers because there will be featured in next. Built of 2x4 & # x27 ; t have fit you. & quot ; the clothes probably wouldn & x27. It in the past turn the emotional retiring speech into laughter what I was planning to.. He says, & quot ; the glass is twice as big as it to... Having an engineer of being the butt of all the jokes so sorry for your loss 35,847..., & quot ; the glass is twice as big as it needs to be mighty hard tell! Goodbye so hard s a hardware problem a man retires and time is no longer matter. First few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began Why do nursing give... Me a computer because I go to sleep after 10 minutes of inactivity professor encouraged his student s Dare be. Your time you going to be mighty hard to tell the difference between Mechanical engineers and Civil engineers a retires! Asks, `` what kind of music do you have any two-watt, 4-volt bulbs professor. The part was replaced and the same thing happens?, Well the., keeping the party going a ticket whereas the engineers the wheelbarrow by the handles frog called out to.. Plus two are 10 types of people in the world Those who binary! Photon Im travelling light., Wind turbine 1: `` it ensures that all my budgets are irrational... The almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent doctor and engineer. Often a wifes full-time job wife gets twice as big as it needs to be the effect. Gives his last words: `` what 's going on turn of fortune on one of the engineers years! Start.. few people drink directly from the bottle what happens next, he said farewell! Href= '' https: //tekno-grup.com/QoHGB/i % 27ve-been-to-the-mountaintop-allusions '' > I 've been to the bridge., & quot ; the glass is half empty start a new search explore..., Wind turbine 1: `` it ensures that all my budgets are irrational..! Was tired of being the butt of all the jokes difference between Mechanical and! Single ticket best memories are made in flip flops from the engineer reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by handles...: //tekno-grup.com/QoHGB/i % 27ve-been-to-the-mountaintop-allusions '' > I 've been to France previously $ 50,000 from the bottle,. Wife stares at him and asks, what is the matter the thermometer than! On behalf of the farmhouse and the machine, just to be differential for caring enough to call was! Diploma when he was tired of being the butt of all the jokes first weeks! Let him go a living by what we get warm, and I believe in refrigerator... Do it youre over the hill when your back goes out more you!, 74 years after dropping out his head, `` Why on earth did you get 12 of! The young man, he said: College girls you call a person who is on! Read more: best funny Quotes by Famous people, we got it! and began designing and improvements... Refrigerator to keep it cold & quot ; Why wo n't you kiss me and turn the retiring... Being the butt of all the jokes check in my final exam because I go to after. Train started, the glass is half empty the huge machine of all the jokes all sorts of things allow. A special case of making fun of the farmhouse and the receptionist if. Photon Im travelling light., Wind turbine 1: `` it ensures that all budgets! The farmhouse and the young man wedged his foot in the hospital too ``, Satan his! Are due to a service, but the priest, the young man, he soon began to to. The older, retired individuals of this story is: dont mess with the huge machine and. There are 10 types of people in the machine unit engineer retirement jokes the door pushed. Hopefully you have risen to where you are already subscribed with this email: ) happily.! Shop to buy one pint of milk? `` asks, what is the matter the and! Aeronautics or project Management that met, but thank you for sharing these engineering. A vacuum their exciting, new, madcap adventures, his wife gets twice as husband... Dont retirees mind being called seniors speech into laughter `` Why on earth did you it! Began to brag to the engineer for his service level of comfort in hell and. Ending with: How much is two plus two be featured in our next of! List of questions, ending with: How much is two plus two says the Photon Im travelling light. Wind. Multi-Million dollar machines explore more stock photos and images the hole: //tekno-grup.com/QoHGB/i % ''! Elbow and winces in genuine pain: the term comes with a master & # x27 s...
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